It is amazing what can occur in such a short period of time. It’s perhaps even more amazing how long it’s taken for me to process through those 3 months.  April, May and June 2009. I was, in this time period, in the USA, South Korea (airport only), China, Mongolia, back to China, countryside of Tibet, and back to the Korean airport, and return to the USA.

Travel - I spent 14 days riding on trains. Not all at once (thankfully!) but a 6 day stretch was part of it. You become adjusted quite nicely to the rocking of the train as you sleep. I’d awake only when the train stopped.  And with all that time, I’d truly do it again. I actually like train rides, still… So many things could happen when, seemingly, nothing could.  Relationships were built (despite language barriers), friendships strengthened (and/or stretched!), and quiet times were (sometimes impossible!) beneficial and greatly appreciated! What I disliked was the boarding and de-boarding of trains with too many things and a group of people I had to make sure All got on and off when necessary. J

China – my 3rd and 4th entry and exit. My first trip there was to the westernmost province in the summer of 2007. Towards the end of a short, much enjoyed trip I clearly heard the words “I will bring you back to this land”… Little did I know what all that meant and/or the timing. But was delighted to hear it and held it loosely. September 2008 those words were confirmed and fulfilled. I returned to the land, this time to an entirely different part. The end of this trip I heard that voice again, this time it spoke “This is preparation!” What did that mean? I had no idea. Not to mention I was at the same instance walking/climbing miles worth of stairs. So, “preparation” could have meant an array of things.  January 2009 I was asked “would you pray about taking half the team to China”… My heart leapt, and the first thing I recalled were those words “this is preparation”. I shared it with those asking the question and I do believe tears were near all of our eyes. It was decided. April 2009 I re-entered the land and Sure enough – the things I had done, transportation I had taken in 2008, was all excellent preparation for the things I was leading a team to and through.  Yet again, an entirely different part of this nation… and, might I add each entry was by a different form, a bus, walking by foot, and now a plane (and 4 weeks later, by train)

A nation I feel less called to than many and less drawn to than most, I have now come to love. But still, I have no desire to be there long-term, though, exceedingly thankful for each short term experience. I learned more in each of these trips (especially the last) than I had/have in perhaps any other location. God knows where to take us to grow and stretch us in ways that… only that place would.

Mongolia – entered on a train. Though, only after corruption and unfortunately my lack of persistence in fighting against it, cost us an extra $1,000 USD. Finally, after figuring out how to communicate with people who knew, not one word of English and I not one word of Mongolian, we were successful and entered the beautiful, open nation. Open meaning, in 10 hours of train ride there were but only a couple, very small, village type areas. Otherwise, wide open land with far more animals than people.  The capital city proved the people to not be designed for permanence. A wondering by nature people, the city seemed to crawl with discontentment and attempts to fulfill that longing in other forms, most of which lead them to different kinds of debauchery. 12 hours on a Mongolian “highway” (i.e. driving across open fields, no “road” in sight) we arrived to a town in the middle of nowhere. It was the first sign of civilization in those 12 hours. The countryside would have been even more captivating had our stomachs and heads not been so… out of their places. The return ride was much better; we learned how to better brace ourselves for that journey. J  The people were, beautiful and beautifully unique. You couldn’t pick out one person in a group of 15 who looked uniquely Mongolian. They all had unique features, accents, cultural influence to the national culture. It was simply amazing to see such diversity yet such similarity all in one. It comes from many people groups and a deep, wide-spread history.   

Tibetan Countryside – it is perhaps the most beautiful of all but only with great competition to the beauty of Mongolia. If I could use only one word to describe these people and the land, I would choose Desperation. The people so… deeply lost. They are people who are passionately pursuing their faiths. They are desperate for something that seems nearly impossible to grasp, and yet worth anything to attain.  They are beautiful and so deeply rooted in their mystical religion. I hope someday to return this and other parts of this nation.  

Team – there are few words I believe I can say on this portion, not because there are few words to be said, but due to the vastness of them.  I believe people, in all forms and ways are brought into our lives for all kinds of reasons. This team was brought into mine for a refining, stretching, growing and deeply drawing season. It was refining me to completely lose any and all pride. Stretching me to learn more than I knew any person could in such a short time, and having to learn and put into practice all in one, at one instance. Growing me in those things I learned and all things I had learned the months, years and merely days prior. Growing me up in being who I am and even who I didn’t know I could be. And lastly, deeply drawing me closer to the Lord, to a deeper realization of myself, of strengths and weaknesses, of ugly and beautiful, and again, closer to the reality and understanding that our Father is enough. He had given me the scripture 2nd Corinthians 12:9, in January 2009. I believe this verse more now than ever before and hold it dearly as His promise and fulfillment of a promise. I will be, forever grateful for it.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness" Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

How do you surrender a calling that God himself gave you? How do you accept that God truly does “give and take away?”

A calling to be surrendered: A calling (a direction, vision, God given plan for life, etc) to be surrendered (given up, relinquish control of, put aside, etc.) How, after being spoken and confirmed so clearly a calling on a life do you then give it back? Especially after the process of growing in it for weeks, months or in this case - 12 years?!  

After 10 years of longing to Go I finally went! A much unexpected phone call that lead to the fulfillment of the first part of the “going” portion of this calling. I went and was captivated beyond description and my heart was forever lost.  (Or so I thought). The location had honestly been second choice, but now I consider it first! God always knows better than we do. I went again soon thereafter and my heart for the people, place, and work simply grew!

Now for today God is asking me to lay it all down. Lay down my rights to this calling. To surrender it and my heart for it. To put it aside and consider that there is a world of possibilities in which that specific “calling” could actually be fulfilled. AND that there are other things He could call me to do altogether! Different then I’d ever imagined.  He’s asked me to consider this from time to time. But never asked in such way as this:  Asking me to re-focus, renew, and/or perhaps redeem my limited vision of what this calling entails. Each time He's made this similar request is as hard as the next. But this one has climbed the charts in difficulty.  Each time has new challenges and circumstances; new things to consider and new things to lie down at His feet. He is asking me to be willing to do, be, stay, and go wherever He desires me to.

My question for myself is: Can I lay down my right? Can I surrender fully to Him? The answer (after much toiling and turning over in my heart and mind) is Yes, I can. But it's not easy, it's painful and more so then words can explain. I need God’s help, His mercy and grace. But this can only work when I allow Him to help me. To be my strength, my endurance, my first in everything! And remind myself time and again, HE knows best, His steps are the ones I do desire to follow in no matter what. And surrendering to Him is greater then holding back!

Does this mean the calling I’ve held onto, studied for, planned and expected to live out will all just be thrown out never to be picked up again? I don’t know. It means that today, in this season I’m trying to be obedient to God. I can only see the pathways He has taken me on thus far. And my guess is this is not a permanent surrender… Or perhaps that is just my hope. I guess I will just have to obediently walk in His steps and see where He leads me.  “God is firstly concerned with the condition of your heart” A statement made to me that has struck through! Held my attention and drawn me to seek Him more.  One that seems to me to mean: God is firstly concerned with our relationship with and our hearts for Him. That above all else He desires you and me to put Him first! And sometimes that means stripping us of everything else and other times it means filling our lives with one thing after another that requires a stretching, growing relationship with Him and work on our hearts.

So I will see what happens as it happens, walk by faith each step of the way. Follow His leading in every area of my life. Besides, He is the one who gave me it all. He gave me my life. Therefore it actually ALL belongs to Him already. So back in His hands and out of mine it shall go.